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The Newest S**t from me. :3 Enjoy!

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(Contains: sexual themes and strong language)
  • PART ONE: Introduction

Wellll, I have several things on my mind that I would like to.... divulge? (I'm not sure if that's the word I'm looking for but whatever...) and they will most likely make no sense whatsoever.

Anyway- moving on.
Over the weekend, had a crazy time drinking with my cousins and then passed out on their couch. (Note: never again accepting drinks from my cousin who is mixing drinks..there is more vodka than sprite and it tastes like Goblin piss. *ahem, thank you Mad-Eye, ahem*
That following morning, after like 3-5 hours sleep (I never can sleep long at other peoples houses..weird habit, I know but seriously, who doesn't like passing out in their own bed? If I could describe heaven on earth to you, it would be that moment when you slip your tired body into your {messy}comfortable bed.) and came downstairs for breakfast. Now, normally when we meet up to drink, our parents make themselves scarce however on this particular weekend our moms were there and thank God/whoever, because thank you- my aunt made sunny side up eggs and bacon~~ I nearly cried. Usually, I am starving after a night of drinking and my cousin's sleep like the dead so I have to wait until mid-afternoon 'til someone makes real food. (I still raid the fridge, of course, but I can't help but love a cooked meal. I know, I sound like such a guy {lol fist bump bros} but hey....c'mon, bacon~? AND eggs? That's like...I-Love-You in its purest form, providing my body with sustenance. *sniffle* Utter poetry..)
For some reason that morning, I craved for a full English breakfast but I was still thankful for my aunts cooking. ^_^ 'Cause I'm a good child~ (Hence, the journal title lol) End of that particular story.

  • PART TWO OF MY JUMBLE OF A WEEKEND:
Alright, I have to admit something to you. (I honestly don't think anyone reads these things but hey- I need to unload this off my chest.) As I mentioned before I drank at my cousin's house, and one of the many things I enjoy about visiting (besides their wonderful company) is that I use the crap out of their Wi-Fi. Yes, I know- shame on me. *on knees in repentance* (LOL seriously, I can't help it.)
And I always update my I-pod, use the internet and download stuff. (Free stuff, of course. Psh, Stingy fo' life! *gangster pose*)
Now..due to my ever curious mind, I decided to download this free adult chat site*

*I've always been fascinated with the... human experience, I suppose. This kind of ritualistic idea of 'dating' entranced me. Not because of my own want to find someone but more on the level that I wanted to know...
  • Why people react some ways
  • What makes a person desire another? 
  • What can I say to someone to be their 'dream' person?
  • How can I evoke a reaction? Like need, lust, ..and love.
  • Why do we feel things? 
  • What is love? Lust? Desire?
I know, I sound and am a cold-hearted, manipulative bastard. BUT, I NEEDED to know! My brain deemed it as necessary experience. (For what? I have no idea...)

I admit that I'm a tad bit sadistic (not a whole lot, mind you...I don't have a 'playroom' if that's what you're thinking. I 'aint no Christian Gray! Ewwww....hate that series!! *shuddering in disgust* and no, I forced myself to crack open the first page, skim-read a few chapters and then I nearly chucked it threw the display window when a group of middle-aged women who were a few aisles away {This was when I used to work at Kmart lol I know, what kind of Ninja works in retail? Answer: When they need to pay for shit.} and they were huddled together reading a copy of the first book and they giggled. Giggled!!  Dear God, scariest sound ever...I can never hear another giggle ever again.) but I tried to remain an arms-length from anyone I chatted with. An arms length meaning that I didn't give away any phone numbers, no real name, no address, and most of all, I didn't get emotionally attached.

I really got into the.. research, I think maybe as I got older. Leaning more into when I turned 17, and now, 18. (*Didn't start this habit until I was in high-school. Yeah, I know I was underage but I kept it too a minimum.) It just fascinated me. Utterly and thoroughly. I didn't even need to chat to someone for long until they began to spill their secrets to me, saying they 'loved' me (mostly wanting you-know-what). Now, when it got to this point I never tried to encourage it and I never, EVER would try to make them fall in love with me. Honestly, I know I have my own self-esteem problems, and am still trying to increase my confidence problems regarding my looks but goddammit! I never realized...how I truly was manipulating people. Their emotions. Their love/lust....I was a monster.

I became The kind, loving, open person you meet on the internet who only used people to gain something. (Although, it wasn't for sex...I played with adult's hearts and I didn't give a shit.)


It was over the weekend while indulging in alcohol and Wi-Fi, that I realized the monster I had become when my views capsized, Apparated and then slapped me in the face like a Bitch.
All because of one conversation I had.

I had downloaded this free chat thing called Skout and made a profile.*

*Mind you, I created it as a male. For those that don't know, I'm a transman. I'm still new to the trans-scene and am still wrapping my head around it but I'm slowly getting there. I know it's a big change, but it..just feels right. I am a man. A man who just happens to have a pair of breasts and a vagina..(hadn't thought of getting rid of them, I might want kids later) and I'll keep 'em. LOL living out a fantasy~ MPREG~! 
Ahem, but that's beside the point.
I guess I realized what I was when...ironically, I was in church. (LMFAO, I know. I wanted to shout it out loud but I think I would have given the priest a heart attack...) I was just contemplating my memories, my experiences, my research on the matter and it struck me. It was like those epiphanies you read about. *sigh* I nearly kissed the Virgin Mary's portrait.  
Anywho, to cut a very long story short, I'm a transman that is bisexual. (Y'know, sexy is sexy. Doesn't matter to me.) Although, I do have a thing for feminine guys. (I blame this on my crush I had on my gay best friend which I belatedly didn't realize until now.) I love them like a man does. I had this particular point strike me like lightening when I went on this shopping event put together by the queer facebook group I'm apart of and I met like-minded people. And dear God, there was this one man that piqued my interest. So feminine and fragile...and then they tried on this dress and omigosh, I nearly salivated in public. Politely, of course.
So yeah...*

I made said profile and I chatted with a few people. Hours went by as I chatted with people (both male and female), and I made friends with a lovely girl from Athens (for some reason, we just hit it off). However, I had countless other chats where men and women quite literally were coaxing me with promises of...things of a more sexual nature.
(Another thing was that my I-pod seemed unable to update my profile. Like I couldn't put in a brief intro or my interests. All it said was my name, age, preferences...)
So while I'm drinking and having a good time with my cousins, at the same time, I'm chatting. I have a pretty good poker face and no one really suspected what I was doing. Other than that I was on my phone reading something with a hint of a smirk/smile.
Hopefully, they never do.

And I admit that I had some very sexy chats. They would ask for pictures of..certain parts of my anatomy so I, quite unashamedly, went to google and PRESTO!- "insert censored image" LOL (Thank you random men on the internet)
By the end of the night, I had two men and a woman begging me to come home to them. Swearing to do whatever I wanted to. 

That next morning, I continued what I was doing (with a slightly hungover brain) and chatted up a few more people. (*I had uploaded up this default picture of this hot guy I found on the internet. Unsurprisingly, other people loved it as much as I did)
And I wasn't feeling bad. Not at all until in the late afternoon as I enjoyed a cup of tea, a person winked at me- starting off a new conversation.

It started off innocent enough, the normal how-are-yous?...and then he asked me for my age. I told my real age as I had been doing the whole time and looked up his profile. (I was suspicious since he looked way too young to be 19...and was 5'1''?!)
He then confirmed my suspicions by telling me he was 14. 
I choked on my tea.

Thoughts running through my head:
-Why is he telling me???? I could be some kind of pedo or something and take advantage of him. Jesus...is this kid stupid?! 

As we chatted, I made it clear that I was too old for him, and that he was underage. I was so conscious of the fact that he was so young, and impressionable that I thought so deeply of whatever I said that I could have passed as frickin' Sophocles. 
And then, the inevitable happened. He told me he loved me.
I felt like shit.
Here was this innocent (slightly gullible) 14 year old boy declaring his love for me and I felt like a monster. Like Pitch Black had morphed with all a matter of Dark Creatures and was passing out candy.
I was not fit to talk to such an innocent person.

I tried to discourage him but he remained stubborn to the fact that I was a "real gentleman", "was better than all his other friends", "made him feel good", and he called me 'beauty'. 
When really, our roles were reversed. He was the Beauty to my Beast.

Our conversation came to an abrupt halt, when I answered one of his questions and he didn't respond back. He quite literally had logged out and for some reason,....
I checked my phone every five seconds to see if he would pop up again.
Did I become of fond of him in such a short amount of time? I don't know...All I knew was that I felt oddly protective of him. He was something precious that didn't know of the harsh realities of life such as internet predators.


  • PART THREE: CONCLUDING THOUGHTS
I've been mulling over what happened this weekend and I'm glad that I kept the lies to a minimum. But I still feel like an arsehole.
And it made me realize my own wants.
No, I'm not going after any 14 year olds. JUST NO.

But if I ever do date or look for someone, they'll probably be younger than me. I want to be able to protect my loved one. To protect from the monsters that are and were just like me.
For some reason, that odd feeling of protectiveness that filled me during our brief conversation, left me hollow when it ended. Is something wrong with me?
-rips out hair during inner frustration-

So, to recap, I want to be worthy of the person who deems me with their love. I wish to change first before I even go out looking but most of all, that innocence I encountered was so...entrancing. So sweet.
It was as if someone had placed their hand in mine to guide them through the darkness.

Thank you, Pavlos. Wherever you are in Greece- I'm sorry I'm not the man I said I was. The looks weren't but the personality was all me. You opened my eyes and I hope you can forgive me.

To all those who I pretty much manipulated, I'm sorry. But seriously, all you wanted was the D.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HERE ENDS MY INNER RANT AND MONOLOGUE.
-Anonymous

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LaptopNinja510
A.J.
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
Australia
Hello there! Welcome to my page~ *bows & holds out a rose*

~~~~~~~~~~~
If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.
J. R. R. Tolkien
~~~~~~~~~~~

My name is AJ and I'm 18. I was born in Middle Earth AKA Aotearoa [Lol, Jealous?] but moved to the the U.S, spending my childhood there. At the moment, I am currently living in Australia. *shout out to all my fellow Aussies*

Personally, I'm pretty laid-back and calm but I seem to balance on the fine-line of craziness and emotional random-ness... I'm a simple person and I try to enjoy the good things like good food, insightful people and of course, chocola- I mean, music. Most people describe me as calm, sarcastic, and very funny. (Friends say this, enemies may say the opposite..)

In regards to my art, well...see for yourself. It's a variety and I try to branch myself out there. In saying that, I mostly stick to writing poetry (I know- who would've thought?) and photography. I draw mostly doodles really and my skills as an artist are still amateur and have room for a lot of improvement. *I don't really do all the high-tech photo manipulations or digital art....yeah, sorry guys- I'm no good with that stuff. You'd only get crap from me if I tried.

Inspiration usually comes to me through fiery visions of angels singing from the heave- Pft! Yeah, yeah I'm kidding... Actually my inspiration comes randomly and comes from anything.

Random facts about me:
-I wear glasses :]
-Adventure Time makes me crack up like the child I am...
-Newest shopping item acquired: A pair of military boots
-I enjoy making friends. Hint, hint~

*Plans for the future include:
-Travelling
-Getting several tattoos
-Going to Uni...(Advice please?)
-Buying more books (lol)
-Going to see the Hobbit!! :D I am an avid movie-goer!
-Hopefully, getting a hair cut..
& &&& much more~

Thank you to all those who give llamas, points, faves, watches, or even visits- it's greatly appreciated!!! *bows*

Ninja's Music Shuffle:

Before: Calling All Hearts - DJ Cassidy
Now: Hit Of You by - Paloma Ford
Next: Takillya - Vinnie Maniscalco
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